As our Over 50 population ages— our parents, likely
in their mid seventies to late eighties are more likely to be afflicted with age-related diseases. Diseases such as Alzheimer's,
stroke and cancer are not a possibility, they‘re a probability. When that happens, —the tables are often turned.
Adult children become the parents.
When a doctor says
there is nothing else we can do, or this is the beginning of Alzheimer’s Disease, it can be devastating news. And the
news is not the end, only the beginning of a possibly long road of medical and familial support.
According to the National Institute on Aging, there were 37 million people age 65 or older in 2006. As the Baby Boomer
generation ages, by 2030 that number is projected to soar. It’s thought that approximately 20 % of the population, over
71 million people, will be 65 or older. And most of them will have severe, costly long-term health issues. Alzheimer's disease
currently affects 5 million Americans. Strokes are now the number-one cause of adult disability.
Finding answers to tricky questions
For those who are thrust into a care-giving role for a parent, the change often happens suddenly, many times with
a phone call but not always. Some of these aging parents drift into senility or Alzheimer‘s so we have some time to
prepare. But make no mistake, when the time comes to morph from child to parent of your parent, the reality is always dramatic.
These are the people who took care of us, nurtured us, and now we have to face the reality that they are fading, as we will.
There are over 30 million children acting as caregivers to their aging parents.
If the parents have not planned, in writing for financial decisions, health and long-term care decisions etc. it will fall
to the children. And that can create problems among siblings.
Most of us who are forced to take on the responsibility of care-givers take our responsibilities graciously, often
grateful for the opportunity to help our parents.
A
gift in some sense perhaps, but never easy to see our parents in such a vulnerable state.
If money is not an issue, full-time nursing or pleasant retirement homes with full-time medical staff is a possible
option. But for those who do not have that luxury there are more decisions and plans to be made for the care of the parent.
If one sibling has to take on more responsibility, thereby
putting their own lives aside to help with the ailing parent, there can be some resentment. And that resentment can also bring
on guilt.
Most people who are dying need care in four
areas—physical comfort (pain, temperature sensitivity, breathing issues, fatigue and digestive problems), mental, spiritual
and emotional needs, and daily living tasks.
Caring for a parent with Alzheimer’s
Disease at home is an extremely difficult, overwhelming task. It is so demanding that there is an increased risk of illness
and depression for the sibling charged with the care of the parent. The care-giver needs to realize that they need to take
time away from the home to re-energize. They need strong support from their other siblings, friends and community. Daily tasks
of bathing, dressing, feeding and dealing with the behavior outbursts are draining. Many caregivers have found useful strategies
for dealing with difficult behaviors through trial and error.
Remember, there are organizations that can help you with these issues too.
If you’re a caregiver, ask for help doing simple things. Friends and family are probably anxious to do something
for you and/or the person who is dying, but they may be reluctant to keep offering if you don’t allow them to help out.
If you are a friend or family jump in and help the caregiver. Asking “what
can I do for you?” is not the best approach. People are hesitant to answer because it might seem like a plea for help.
Instead, offer specifically to help the caretaker by doing small things like providing a meal, straightening the house, picking
up the mail, doing a load of laundry, staying with the individual who is sick or has Alzheimer’s so that the caretaker
can take a break, picking medicine up etc.
The Light of Life Dims
People nearing the end of life may have spiritual needs that are just as compelling as the physical. The
dying person might find peace resolving unsettled issues with friends or family so let them talk, offer forgiveness, assist
them in resolving those issues. Family and friends can let the dying person know what a positive influence they have had on
their lives and how much they love them.
Many people
find peace in their faith. Praying, talking with friends and clergy from their church helps to brings
comfort. Offer to read to them from their religious texts. Don’t be afraid to talk about death if the person wants
to talk. Don’t be hesitant to talk about wonderful times you’ve had over the years, even if the person is asleep.
(There is some evidence that the dying person can hear you while sleeping so talk to and not about the person.)
When the time does come, a dying person might have specific fears and concerns.
They may fear the unknown. Some are afraid of dying alone. This feeling can be made worse by the reactions of family, friends,
and even the medical professionals who are caring for the patient. Oftentimes when family and friends do not know how to help
or who have already begun grieving they stop visiting. This can add to the dying person’s sense of isolation. The simple
act of holding the person’s hand, or a gentle massage can be very soothing and make help make a dying person feel connected.
Some experts suggest that when death is very near, music
at low volume and soft lighting are relaxing. Music therapy has also been shown to lessen pain and evoke memories friends
and family can share.
Contact the National Institute
on Aging, part of the National Institutes of Health for more information and suggestions.
http://www.nia.nih.gov/Alzheimers/Publications/caregiverguide.htm
Adult Children Parenting their Parents