Retirement Humor is for people of all ages who want a good laugh to start
the day. Tons of jokes, quotes and more.
Retirement Humor for people who want a good laugh to start the day. Tons
of jokes, quotes and more.
WINNING ARGUMENT...pass it on to your own kids who have kids.
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test
and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son,
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk
about the car."
The boy thought
about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades
up and you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut yet."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about
that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long
hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
Dad replied, "Did you also notice when you were reading the Bible that all those people
walked everywhere they went?"
Staying in shape
As I was lying around, pondering the problems
of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore about what nutritionists and doctors tell.
Take whales. They swim all day, only eat fish, only drink water, but they are still fat.
.. A rabbit runs and hops most of the day and only lives 15 years,
while a tortoise does mostly nothing except eat, yet it lives for 150 years.
Retirement
Humor on Getting Old
These
days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get
something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
All I want is senility to forget the people
I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eye sight to tell the difference.
NOW THAT I'M OLD.... here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly
enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is
falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. It was a whole
lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
6. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the
hydrant.
7. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
8. Accidents in the back
seat cause kids.
9. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
10.
The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
11. When
you’re finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
12. The
only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
RETIREMENT QUOTES
We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and
sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work - and then we retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock.
-
- - - Dave Allen
When you reach forty you can’t
do anything every day.
- - - - Henry “Hank” Aaron
When
you are forty, half of you belongs to the past... And
when you are seventy, nearly all of you.
- - - - Jean Anouilh
I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.
-
- - - Lady Nancy Astor
The secret of staying young
is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
- - - - Lucille Ball
If I were younger, I'd know more.
- - - - James Barrie
A man is not old until his regrets take the place of dreams.
- - - -
John Barrymore, "Good Night, Sweet Prince" 1943
To
me, old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
- - - - Bernard M. Baruch
Grow old along with me! The
best is yet to be. The last of life, for which the
first was made.
- - - - Robert Browning “'Rabbi Ben Ezra”
What
Youth deemed crystal, Age finds out was dew.
-
- - - Robert Browning
Years steal Fire from the mind as vigour from the limb,
And life's
enchanted cup but sparkles near the brim.
- - - - George Gordon, Lord Byron “Childe Harold's
Pilgrimage”
Nature gives you the face you have at twenty;
it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.
- - - - Coco Chanel
I prefer old age to the alternative.
- - - - Maurice Chevalier
One keeps on forgetting old age up to the very brink of the grave.
- - - -
Colette
Old age is no place for sissies.
Bette
Davis
As one grows older, one becomes wiser and more foolish.
-François,
Duc de La Rochefoucauld
I grow old . . . I grow old . . . I
shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
- - - - T. S. Eliot “The Love Song of J. Alfred
Prufrock”
We do not count a man's years until he
has nothing else to count.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
If
youth but knew; if age but could.
Henri Estienne
At
twenty years of age, the will reigns; at thirty the wit; at forty the judgment.
Benjamin Franklin
Men, like peaches and pears, grow sweet a little while before they begin to decay.
Oliver
Wendell Holmes, Sr.
Old age is like an opium dream. Nothing
seems real except the unreal.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
Middle
age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
Bob Hope
After
a man passes sixty, his mischief is mainly in his head.
Edgar Watson Howe
Perhaps being old is having lighted rooms inside your head, and people in them, acting. People
you know, yet can't quite name.
Philip Larkin
I
have everything I had twenty years ago, only it’s all a little bit lower.
Gypsy Rose Lee
For age is opportunity no less than youth
itself, though in another dress,
And as the evening twilight fades away, the sky is filled with stars invisible by day.
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"Morituri Salutamus" 1875
After thirty, a body
has a mind of its own.
- Bette Midler
At age
fifty, every man has the face he deserves.
George Orwell
Age is
a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
- Satchel Paige
How
old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?
Satchel Paige
Age
seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It’s more often a succession of jerks.
- Jean Rhys
Old Age: First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper
up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.
- Leo Rosenberg
Some
reckon their age by years, Some measure their life
by art; But some tell their days by the flow of
their tears
And their lives by the moans of their hearts.
- Abram
Joseph Ryan
Every man over forty is a scoundrel.
-George Bernard Shaw “Maxims
for Revolutionists”
When men reach their sixties
and retire they go to pieces. Women just go right on cooking.
- Gail Sheehy
Youth is the time for adventures of the body, but age
for the triumphs of the mind.
- Logan Pearsall Smith
Nobody grows
old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting out ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm
wrinkles the soul.
- Samuel Ullman
True terror
is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
- Kurt
Vonnegut
Like our shadows, Our wishes lengthen as our sun declines.
- - - -
Edward Young “Night Thoughts”
We have a saying
in the movement that we don't trust anybody over thirty.
- Jack Weinberg
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
-Oscar
Wilde
The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
Thomas
A. Edison
We are unalterably opposed to the presentation of the female body being stripped, bound, raped,
tortured, mutilated and murdered in the name of commercial entertainment and free speech.
- - - Susan
Brownmiller "Against Our Will: Men, Women and Rape"
The body is a
sacred garment.
- Martha Graham
The body
says what words cannot.
- Martha Graham
It takes
more than just a good looking body. You've got to have the heart and soul to go with it.
-
Lee Haney
The human mind treats a new idea the same way the body treats a strange protein; it rejects
it.
- P. B. Medawar
A
married woman has the same right to control her own body as does an unmarried woman.
- - - Sol Wachtler,
Judge, NY State Court of Appeals [Unanimous opinion that a man may be prosecuted for raping his wife, 20 Dec 84]
CLICK FOR MORE CLEAN HUMOR
Jesus Knows You're Here
.
A
burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark
said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
.
He nearly jumped out of his skin,
clicked his flashlight off, and froze.When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just
as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
.
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally,
in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that
he is watching you.'
.
The
burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'
.
'Moses,' replied the bird.
.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
.
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler
Jesus.'
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