Retirement Joke On the
day before his retirement, a construction worker sat with his supervisor at lunch.
"Last
day, huh?" asked the supervisor. "Are you looking forward to retirement?"
"Let me
put it like this," said the construction worker. "The most miserable existence I can imagine
is spending years constantly performing manual labor, under the direction of a tyrannical overlord."
"Wow," said the supervisor. "I didn't realize I was making your life so miserable.
In fact, I thought you liked this job."
"I do like this job. I was
talking about my wife's plans for my retirement."
Dearest Redneck Son...a letter from a loving mother
(and more humor) Read More The Divorced Woman and her Curtains ...More Jokes Three Men Marry ...More Jokes WHATCHA DOIN'? My wife said, "Whatcha doin today?" I said, "Nothing." She said, "You did that yesterday." I said, "I wasn't finished." MORRIS BUYS A CAR Morris, a Russian man saves
his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least
bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to
be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he
pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the
new car will arrive?" he asks. The salesman checks his notes
and tells the Morris that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and
starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could
you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and
says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. Morris thanks
the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns
back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know
if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers
yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now
on Thursday. "That's a relief!" says Morris. "The plumber
is coming that morning." A
Long Happy Life A woman walked up to a little old man rocking
in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"
she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said.
"How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said. Retirement Quotes from BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED,
FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only
because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of
the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are
just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room-
spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.
Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was
Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now! More?...
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...
A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background
music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile
because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few . 
More Retirement Jokes, Humor and Funny Tidbits After
50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint...you
are probably dead!! Many years ago in Scotland,
a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'..
.and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language. Retirement Quotes that you
will love. more
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PERKS OF GETTING OLD! 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2.
In a hostage situation, you are the most likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--
Anywhere. 4. People call at 8 PM (or 8 AM) and ask, 'Did I wake you?' 5. People
no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7.
Things you buy now probably won't wear out. 8. You can eat Supper at 4 PM without getting funny looks. 9.
You can live without sex, but not your glasses. 10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 11.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
12. Your eyes won't get much
worse. 13. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are
safe with your friends because they can't remember them. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally
down to a manageable size. 19. You can't remember where you saw this list. PLACES I'VE BEEN I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone.
You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been
in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends,
family and work. I
would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have
also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it
was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of
my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need
all the stimuli I can get! I
may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. Bodily
Malfunctions Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. One
seventy year old man says to the others, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty
minutes to pee." An eighty year old man says, "That‘s nothing. I get up at eight and I sit there and
grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The ninety year old
man says, "At seven I pee like a race horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's
your problem?" asked the others. "I don't wake up until nine." And
never, under any circumstances, Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the
same night!
Clean Humor.... "The Cup of Tea..." One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite
toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening
news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which
was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup
of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with
a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him
drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother
would know), "'Did it ever occur to you
that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
MORE CLEAN JOKES . IF MY BODY WAS A CAR..... this is the time I would
be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I 've got bumps and
dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull .... But that's not the worst of it. My headlights
are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction
is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It
takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires. A man is going skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor
for what seems like days, he is ready to go. The
man goes up in the airplane and waits to get to the proper altitude. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he
pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He
pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in
the air with him, but this guy is going up! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver, by this time scared out of his
wits, yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything
about gas stoves?
SENIOR DRIVING As a senior
citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering,
he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate
77. Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!' JUST A LITTLE NAUGHTY JOKES Sex Advice A young guy was about to be married and asked his grandfather about sex. “How often you should have sex grandpa?’ His grandfather
smiled. “When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day.” The young man nodded eagerly. His grandfather
continued. “Later on, the sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe
once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year - maybe on your anniversary.” The young man then asked, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's
oral sex?" The young man asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "She
goes to bed into her bedroom, and I go to into my bedroom. Then she yells, 'F--- You!" And I holler back, "F---
You too'." Size Matters Gwen and Lilly, 80+ year old ladies, were outside their nursing home, having a smoke
when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lilly asked, “What's that? Gwen said, “A condom.
I use it so my cigarette doesn't get wet.” Lydia
asked “Where did you get it?” “You
can get them at any drugstore“ replied Gwen. The
next day, Lydia hobbles down to the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all,
over 80), then politely asks “What brand do you prefer“ Lilly shruggs, “It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.”  If you are getting old you will think this is hilarious!!!!
Submitted by Roxy Hudak When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard
things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school
every morning. Uphill... barefoot...BOTH ways...Yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember
promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about
how hard I had it ...And how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of Oh, somewhere between Thirty
and Fifty (something), I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've
got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today don't
know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had
to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves... in the card catalogue!! There
was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street
and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! There were
no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called
they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When
the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a
collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! We didn't have any fancy Sony
Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games Like 'Space Invaders' and
'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your I magination!! And there were no multiple levels of
screens, it was just one screen Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster
and faster until you finally died! Just like LIFE! You had to use a Little book
called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and
walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday
Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK For cartoons, you spoiled Little rat-bastards! And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine
that! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted Five minutes back in 1980! Regards, The over 30 Crowd
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RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE .
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes
on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate
beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in > Texas .
3. I take my wife everywhere....but she keeps
finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she
said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has
an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said 'There are too many
gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car
wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car
was. She told me, 'In
the lake.'
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?'
The driver said, 'No, jump in!'
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one
cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt
her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the
TV?' I said, 'Dust!'
Where
did the term "Piss Poor" come from? They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot. And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery... if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor". But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to
buy a pot... They "didn't have a pot to piss in"
and were the lowest of the low. The
next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature Isn't
just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500's. . Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, And
they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to
hide the body odor; Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The
man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the
children. Last of all the babies were bathed. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence
the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!" . Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was
the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the
roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.. Hence
the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs." . . There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real
problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with
big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. . . The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt
poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
the floor to help keep their footing… As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,
it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold. . . (Getting
quite an education, aren't you?) In those old days, they
cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the
pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving
leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there
for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: “Peas porridge
hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." Sometimes
they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. . When visitors came over,
they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home
the bacon." They would cut off a little to share
with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat. Those
with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing
lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. . Bread was divided according to status.. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf,
the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust. . Lead
cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple
of days... Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather
around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom; “holding a wake." . England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury
people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When
reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been
burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the
wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit
out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, “saved by the bell"
or was "considered a dead ringer." And that's
the truth. . Now, whoever said history was boring!!! We'll
be friends until we are old and senile. Then we'll be new friends. Smile, it gives your face something to do!
THE BOTTLE OF WINE- Sally
was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As
the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would
like a ride. With a silent nod of
thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming
the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag
on the seat next to Sally. 'What in bag?'
asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.' The
Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she nodded and said: 'Good trade.....'
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