Here are some funny things my brother sent me, enjoy!

I tried to catch some Fog but I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O (typo!).

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why do they say the Indians were here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

People dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too
For more retirement humor, please click here.

Unfortunately, the dog has given up on the bunnies. If you read a previous blog you will know exactly what I am talking about.

Went on a girls' week out with my sister at our cabin near Yellowstone. It is truly God's country up that way. We left just before the elk started to bugle and the buffalo started fighting over females which is great to watch. Didn't see any bears but heard they had come down from the higher elevations to eat berries so they were around.

Saw a big brave hunter kill an elk on a trophy hunter preserve. It was surrounded by a fence and the "hunters" rode along in an ATV to "find" their prey. We watched from the road as he took out his rifle, but left and returned later to see that he had killed one. I assume the ranch sells the meat to restaurants. It was hard for me but I finally came to terms with it when my sister reminded me that these elk were raised to be killed just like cattle.

Sat on the deck and watched the river glide by, but the kids are back in school so no inner-tubes floated by. We did watch an osprey catch a fish. No moose this time.

We had fun talking about growing up, raising our kids, the grand kids, and the favorite topic for people our age...the aches and pains of getting old. We also shared how we are trying to re-adjust to retirement, and what we're doing to stay engaged in life and the importance of continuing to look towards the future. She bought an old house and is remodeling, putting in a front yard, and planning to make a garden. We also look forward to another trip toour cabin in the Northern Rocky Mountains.

Me? I just started a new writers' group....looking forward to meeting like-minded women. My husband says it has put a new sparkle in my eyes. My good friend Jeri now wants to start a group for grandparents raising grandkids since she just adopted her grandchild.

What are your plans? Travel? Writing? Learning a new language? Visiting family?....let us know in the comment section

If you haven't guessed, sometimes I write the blog, sometimes it is written by my husband and other times someone will send us something that we put in and hope our readers will comment.

Now that he's a short timer on the notoriously left wing network, NBC, Jay Leno does not feel constrained to stay within the network guidelines of "no Obama criticism and staying politically correct"

Lenno isn’t just making fun of Republicans any more. He has gone off the reservation so to speak and what a breath of fresh air it is to see he is finally dishing it on both parties.  Here is what he has been saying lately. Finally some jokes and funny comments about Obama. Here they are:

"I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want to get audited by the IRS."

 

On NSA surveillance: "We wanted a president who listens to all Americans - now we have one."

 

On a new IRS commissioner: "He's called 'acting commissioner' because he has to act like the scandal doesn't involve the White House."

 

On closing the Guantanamo prison for terrorists: "If he really wants to close it, turn it into a government-funded solar power company. The doors will be shut in a month."

 

Concerning the Benghazi , Associated Press, and IRS scandals: "Remember in the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden?"

 

On Obama saying he didn't know about the IRS scandal: "He was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything about the IRS."

 

"The White House has a new slogan about Benghazi : Hope and change the subject."

 

"It's casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they're casually going through everybody's phone calls and records."

 

"It is not looking good for President Obama. Today his teleprompter took the fifth."

 

"Fox News has changed its slogan from 'Fair and Balanced' to 'See, I told you so!'"

 

"These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American. That's how bad it's gotten."

 

On Obama's commencement address: "He told the young graduates their future is bright unless, of course, they want jobs."

 

On a Chicago man who set a record for riding a Ferris wheel: "The only other way to go around and around in a circle that many times is to read the official report on Benghazi ."

 

On White House claims of ignorance on the scandals: "They took 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' out of the Pentagon and moved it into the White House."

I called and invited a friend to lunch the other day. He’s in his 80’s. I ordered a salad, dressing on the side.  He ordered a parfait. I smiled and he asked if he amused me.

I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?"

"Well, I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should.  But life's short, and I hate missing out on something good.  This year I realized how old I was. So, before I die I've decided to try all the things that for years I had denied myself.

"I haven't smelled all the flowers yet either and there are too many trout streams I haven't fished. There's more fudge sundaes too, and kites to be flown.

 "I always loved golf and there are too many golf courses I haven't played. I've missed a lot of ball games and hotdogs, potato chips and cokes.

"I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face like I did when I was a kid. I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for everything He’s given me.

"I want peanut butter every day on my morning toast. I want to see my grandkids again, and talk for hours on the phone with people I love.

"I want to walk in the morning rain, feel the wind on my face.

"So, if I choose to have dessert instead of dinner, and die before the next morning, I'd say I died a winner. I filled my heart's desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."

 With that, I called the waitress over.. "I've changed my mind. I want what he is having, only add more whipped cream!"

Received this from a friend and thought it was appropriate for seniors trying to enjoy their retirement life....

A man stood before a group of seniors and had some items in front of him. When everyone was seated, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the group if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The man then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the seniors if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

Then he picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The audience responded with a unanimous "yes."

The speaker then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The audience laughed.

"Now," said the speaker as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your retirement life. The golf balls are the important things – your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions – and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your house and your car."

"The sand is everything else – the small stuff. Now, if you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your grand children. Get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18 holes. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest of retirement life situations are just sand."

One senior raised her hand and asked what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

 

"It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Meeting new people that share the same interests is more difficult after retirement. But don't get discouraged. There are ways to connect with others who share things in common. Whether it is golf, treasure hunting, dining out, going to movies, hiking, biking, kayaking, going to movies, book lovers, writers, or groups for grandparents raising grand children, gays, advocates for certain causes or more...they are out there.

Get on the internet and search for them. One website I found is 'Meetup'. This site has tons of different groups that get together for a variety of activities and interests. They can be found in most cities, or close to a larger city if you are in a rural community. Take advantage of it and make yourself available for activities, meetings etc. It's a great way to meet new people after retirement that have similar interests and goals.

You aren't restricted in joining only one group either. I joined 3.

If you don't find one that you are interested in joining, or you don't want to drive more than five miles to meetings start your own group.

My LAZY Gun  

Today I swung my front door wide open and placed my Remington 870 shotgun right in the doorway.  I gave it 6 shells; I even placed it in a wheelchair to help it get around.

I then left it alone and went about my business.  While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail, the neighbor boy across the street mowed the yard, a girl walked her dog down the street, and quite a few cars stopped at the stop sign right in front of our house.

After about an hour, I checked on the gun. It was still sitting there in the wheelchair, right where I had left it. It hadn't rolled itself outside. It certainly hadn't killed anyone, even with the numerous opportunities it had been presented to do so. In fact, it hadn't even loaded itself.   You can imagine my surprise, with all the media hype about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people.  Either the media is wrong and it's the misuse of guns by people that kill people, or I'm in possession of the laziest gun in the world.

Well, I'm off to check on my spoons.  I hear they're making people fat!

Our yard is large, with fruit trees, a vegetable and flower garden, and other plants along with open space and black berry bushes. Translation; it is the perfect home for feral rabbits.

Let me set the stage.

While I love bunnies, my husband hates those cute little critters because he works hard planting, keeping the weeds out, trimming and fertilizing and the rabbits keep getting in and eat our plants and vegetables.

We have a rescue dog my husband bought me a year ago that had been abused by his previous owner.  

We love the little bugger, even though he came with a host of problems. We took him to doggie training when we first got him and after one session our trainer indicated that some dogs should just be put down. She said these dogs will never be able to have a good quality of life because they have too many mental problems.

I thought she was talking about some dog she had trained somewhere along the line only to make the connection days later that she was talking about our dog.

We take our little dog out to do his business every night before bedtime. Two evenings ago, while Dexter was roaming around looking for just the right spot, my husband took a tour of the yard as he always does, just to make sure the plants remember him from his morning tour. When he got to one of the blackberry bushes, a rabbit dashed out and across the yard.

Needless to say my husband was not happy seeing this as he works diligently to keep them out of our yard, and here they were again.

He began chasing the rabbit, The dog noticed his dad was chasing the rabbit and joined the hunt.

My husband, intent on ridding the yard of the rabbit, grabbed a stick and began poking the bushes while the dog waited, prancing back and forth excitedly. He soon learned to flush them out himself and the two of them would race together across the property in hot persuit of the rabbit.

So there they were, my husband bush whacking, with our little dog happily trying to find the bunny (who wasn't much smaller than our dog) and when he did the chase would begin again.

After a few attempts, I call off the hunt. I don't want the rabbit to get too tired, even though he is trespassing, or our little dog who is starting to pant. 

We all participate in the hunt. I am the scout, my husband is the bushwacker and the dog is the great backyard hunter. We all have great fun.  Except for the freeloading rabbit. I don't think he's liking it too much. But then, if you don't like what we have here, go next door right?

By the second night the bunny got a lot smarter. He is still in the yard eating free food and depositing his presents everywhere, but instead of taking off running when the bushes get whacked or he sees his nemisis Dexter, he sits quietly and waits hoping what he thinks is a very small coyote and that big two legged thing with a stick will just go away. He only runs if they get too close now... and the game is on again.

I received an email I thought you might be interested in and I'm passing it on. ...

Obama loves to give speeches. He's been very successful at duping most of us into thinking the right is out to get him, that they are the ones behind the gridlock in Washington etc. He blames Bush for his own continued failure to get the economy going. He allowed lies to be told about his opponent in the Presidential race. He goes out on the campaign trail every time he can't get his way because most of us never listen to any news other than the mainstream media (if that). 

Yes, the President loves to give speeches. He's been very good at hiding who he is and what his ultimate goals are for this country. He gave a speech on Independence Day too. A very patriotic speech I'm sure. 

But after his words, those close to the podium heard what he really thinks about this country. Whether you love him or not, you need to hear the truth from his own lips. This time, he can't hide behind anyone else. More

Mel

Please let me know your thoughts....

It hasn't been exactly seamless for us entering our own retirement life. Although I have to say we have enjoyed our free time...it has been extremely frustrating for my husband.

Our original plan was to spend winters in Arizona for the climate and all of the shopping, dining and other amenities in the area and spend our summers at our cabin in the mountains. It would have been great if he enjoyed fishing, riding an ATV, hunting for the perfect photo opportunity of a bear or moose, kayaking or taking walks in the forest. But none of those things were fulfilling for him.

Me, I'm not so hard to please. I can sit on the deck and watch the river as it meanders down to the Snake, or enjoy the occasional wildlife, fisherman or woman or happy kids floating past on inner tubes. I love to take a nice walk or bike ride. And I thoroughly enjoy day trips to surrounding western towns and into the Yellowstone National Park.

Ever heard the expression happy wife happy life? In our case it's happy husband....

So we rented the cabin, packed up our things and came back down to AZ to the summer heat....the reason we wanted to leave in the first place, and Steve is selling real estate. Now he's happy.

I guess some of us just have to try a few things before we find what fits best for our retirement life.

What have you tried that might help others?

Today, retirement age isn't necessarily age 65. Many seniors are putting off retirement age beyond the traditional age we have held for many years. Besides, 65 isn't the full retirement age anyway. I think it's 66.5 now. They raised it on us a few years ago...I am pretty sure that is accurate.

There are a couple of reasons many seniors aren't diving into retirement as soon as they are eligible. One, the promise of a relaxing and stress-free retirement life has been replaced for many due to the fact that so many people in the red zone are not ready to retire because they can't afford it. Others are afraid their savings and investments won't keep up with inflation and might have to re-enter the workforce after age 65. Yikes!

And others simply don't know what they would do with themselves for 10 hours a day. So today, age 65 is now just another year in an ongoing career, and retirement has no set time frame.

So, how do you evaluate your circumstances to know if it is time to retire? more

I saw a couple of RVs this morning. Thought about the places they'd be seeing, and ones I'd love to see after retirement. For a brief moment I was already there.

Then I remembered how it was when we owned an RV....

Don't know if I've mentioned it but we bought a rescue dog awhile back. We took him to 'training' and the trainer came right out and said that some dogs aren't happy, they don't have a good quality of life, they won't improve and it is better for them if you just euthanize them.

Ever feel that way?

 We recently moved into a new 55+ community and it hit me...we don't know anyone in the area and we're getting older.

We went around and introduced ourselves to the closest neighbors and found that they are all at least 10 years older, most are 20 years older than us.

How important is it to make new friends after retirement in the community you live in? Or is it? Are you planning on having your kids run over every time you have a problem? Or do you have enough money to pay a handyman every time your sprinklers spring a leak?

Seniors have always shared a variety of concerns that should unite us regardless of race, gender or religion. According to experts, these are the most common concerns of retirees:

* Health: Not only are seniors concerned with medical needs, they are often forced to choose between paying rent, utilities or food and purchasing much needed prescription medications. We keep hearing from the politicians that seniors are getting a free ride when it comes to medical care. We aren’t.  First, we have paid into Medicare our entire working career, and now that we are retired we still pay.  And we are often forced to put off some much needed treatments and medical procedures because they are cost prohibitive.

* Vulnerability: Criminals looking for an easy target and that includes white collar crime.  Oftentimes they prey on retirees who become targets for fraud, identity theft and even physical assaults.

* Finances:  Most seniors today are asking themselves if they will have enough money to live on during their entire retirement life.

Not only do we have to worry about our health care costs while we are healthy enough to take care of ourselves. We worry about the possibility that we may need long-term health care. We worry that we may have an unexpected emergency. All of which causes stress.

And all of this is happening while inflation continues to rise at a much higher rate than social security payments.

Seniors limited to Social Security or Pension payments are in a particularly bad predicament.

* Relationships:  As we age and move into the new stage of our lives there are also concerns about our relationships. What are we going to talk about after retirement? What are we going to do now that the kids are gone and we’re home together all day? What is going to happen to our sex life? Will there be one?

As we age, and our health declines one partner is often handed the task, opportunity, or combination of the two, of taking care of the other. This takes a toll on even the best relationships because it puts so much pressure on the caregiver. more

The death of one of the people in a relationship who are in love is devastating in many ways. The first is grief. The second if fear. The third is loneliness.  There could even be a fourth; taking on all of the household and financial responsibilities themselves.

This is a nice addition to our library of true stories about retirement life.
Last  Cab Ride of the night….

I arrived at the address and honked the horn.  After waiting a few minutes I honked again.

 Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just  driving away. Instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice.

I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived there for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said.

I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.

She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'

'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me  an address and then asked, 'Could you drive through  downtown?'

'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..

'Oh,  I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..'  The doctor says I don't have very long.'

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. 'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds.   She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes, she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now'.

We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a  portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move.  They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.

'Nothing,' I said.

'You have to make a living,' she answered.

'There are other passengers,' I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.

'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light..  Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.. 

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift?  What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away? 

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life. We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But some of our greatest moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider insignificant or small.

PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM  FEEL.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

It's not always easy for people 50 plus to switch gears as they approach retirement age. Some have never given retirement much or any thought before now. They were always focused on their jobs and families.

Many are more concerned about their retirement nest egg than on creating a fulfilling retirement life.

Retirement doesn't mean sitting on the couch and watching life go by. You need to be proactive. Otherwise, you are going to be one of the retirees who complains, I hate retirement.

Drum roll please......

This year's annual list of the 10 Best Places to Retire—released by U.S. News & World Report, kicks off with Flagstaff, Arizona, but I think it's only because they don't know enough about Lakeside-Pinetop and Show Low, or the northwest part of Phoenix where Sun City sits.

Although I really like places like the Munds Park area, and other places outside the city of Flagstaff like Park, the city itself makes me feel claustrophobic and uneasy for some reason. Maybe it is the way they laid it out. And there is a lot of traffic.

Show Low, and the Lakeside-Pinetop area seems more relaxed but has all of the same amenities without giving up that mountain feel so many people move there to enjoy, or own a second home. Winters get snow, however winters are not as long as places farther to the north like Colorado or Utah and the remaining months have near perfect climates.

Home prices here are cheaper too and because of that the cost of living is less. Here are more great picks for places to retire. Click here 

Well the holidays have passed, the world didn't come to an end and I've gained five pounds so everything is back to normal

Here are the newest results for the best places to retire for people who make under $40,000/year. This study was based on the lowest housing costs for people 60 and older. Criteria for the results includes mortgage payments, additional housing costs, typical rent and the proportion of income retirees will spend on housing costs. After those criteria were met, cities were also rated on which ones had the best nearby amenities such as shopping, cultural events, medical facilities, colleges and outdoor activities.The results are from an online report I read on MSN.Several of these cities are also on the worst places to retire in an article I read just the other day and very different from other studies showing the best places to retire. Hmmm…Albuquerque, N.M.Augusta, Ga.Columbia, S.C.Jackson, Miss.Knoxville, Tenn.Little Rock, ArkLouisville, KYPittsburgh, PASt. Louis, MOSan Antonio, TX