Funny retirement jokes , corporate jokes, and just for fun jokes to
start your day with a good laugh. Three pages of jokes
seniors will love.
DRIVING...Retirement
humor Two elderly women were out driving in a large car
- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have
sworn we just went Through a red light.' After a few more minutes,
they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again,
they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned
that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!' Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?' Looking in The Mirror I took a look at my boobs and realized that I have got that dreaded
furniture disease. You know, the one where your chest is falling into your drawers! When people walk in your house and see a cat's litter box they always say “Oh,
have you got a cat?“…and just once I’d like to say “No, no cat. It’s for company.“I was thinking about status symbols today… those cell phones that everyone
have clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one, but I want to look hip and important too. So, I'm wearing my garage
door opener. I was thinking that if women really want
to find these guys that leave them, they should put pictures of their missing husbands on beer cans! ______________________ The Ticket $5.37.
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I
dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed
the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the
harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount." I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting
the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even
50 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito
and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me ? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door
and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be
that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler? "Dude!
Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I
stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize
in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes
a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!" I turned
and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my
keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when
I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I
had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. Then,
a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Me al toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially
eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can
say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments
later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when
I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only
it was nowhere to be found. I swung the truck around,
gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world
coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask
a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits. Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came
up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you
left this in my truck by mistake." I took the
food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. He
offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time." All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid
in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast. As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold
food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey. The good news was I had successfully found my way home. DON'T FIGHT WITH AN OLD MAN...
1. If he's too old to fight, he'll just
kill you.
2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
3. Old men carry a
gun cause a cop is too heavy.
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
5. The old
sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm.'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol.
Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If
I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.'
6. Beware the old man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY
KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!! . . Corporate Jokes and Humor...and Other Important Information You Could Hear
at The Office
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access
the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards
in two weeks." "E-mail is not to be used to pass
on information or data. It should be used only for company business." Click for More Corporate Humor
WANT
TO READ MORE CLEAN HUMOR AND JOKES? CLICK HERE SUPER SEX!!! A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex..' She walked up to an
elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him, she said,
'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.' ----------------------------- RETIREMENT FRIENDS Two
elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,
their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week
to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked
at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.. Her
friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to
know?'
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to
know, ’that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?' 'Yes,
I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.' ************
********* ** An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a
renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak
to his son. 'Yes, Dad, what is it? ' 'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and
just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your
wife....'
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TIMES
HAVE CHANGED. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, they called it witchcraft... Today,
it's called golf.
HEAVEN CAN WAIT An
elderly man and woman were both in excellent health for their age, mainly because of the wife's insistence on healthy foods
and exercise since their sixties. As fate would have it, their plane crashed when the went
on vacation. Being a good, honest couple, they went directly to Heaven. When
they reached the pearly gates, they got a welcome from St. Peter who escorted them inside Paradise. First, St. Peter took
them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master
bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. The couple gasped in astonishment
while St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked how
much money all this luxury was going to cost. "How much? Of course, nothing," replied St.
Peter. 'You have earned this by being good during your lives and this is your reward: Heaven with all its blessings and luxuries."' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful
than any ever built on Earth. "I love golf but how much for the greens fee?" asked the old
man. "I couldn't afford to play much more than twice a year on Earth." "Remember, this is Heaven," emphasized St. Peter. "Play
as much as you want and every time you golf you get it for free — always on the house, in other words." Soon they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish
buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood, lamb chops, steaks, exotic deserts, free
flowing beverages and all the over 200 varieties of wine. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy" The old man looked around and glanced nervously
at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" the old man queried. "This will amaze you, more than the fact everything
is free," stated St. Peter with a smile on his face. "You can eat as much food and drink wine as much as you like
of whatever you like, and you will never get fat, sick, or really drunk. This is Heaven!' The old man was still not totally satisfied, "No gym to work out at?" Not unless you actually want to exercise for the
fun of it,' was the answer. "No testing my sugar or
blood pressure or all the other tests my wife has asked me to do over the last twenty years or so." "Never again," said St. Peter. "All you do here is enjoy
yourself." At this point, the elderly man
glared at his wife and uttered, "You and your fucking bran muffins and all the other healthy stuff. We could have been
here fifteen years ago!"
LOST WIVES Two guys, one old one young, are pushing their carts around
Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, 'Sorry about
that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.' The
young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate.' The old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her...What does she look like?' The
young guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, she is buxom and not wearing
a bra, she has long legs, and sheis wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?' 'Doesn't
matter, let's look for yours,' said the old guy. More Retirement Humor and Pokes at Govt
Liberals
are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25 to
life would be appropriate. America needs Obama-care like Nancy
Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. -Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order
anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. -O'Brien
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with
a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser. -Leno
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to
society. The other is for housing prisoners. -Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean
and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America ! -Fallon
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers. -Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama
bumper stickers off the road. -Letterman
You're a senior citizen and the government says
no health care for you, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years
or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, this means
you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you
need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? ....All
covered.
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government
that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income
taxes anymore! IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!
A ROAST... HARRY
REID, NANCY PELOSI, BARNEY FRANK, GIBBS, CHRIS DODD AND OBAMA. CONSERVATIVES AND DEMOCRATS WITH A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR WILL
LAUGH. Click to Read...From an Email I received. . 'I
CAN HEAR JUST FINE!' Another retirement joke for roasts, and retirement luncheons or dinners. Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.' ------------------------------ Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.
Every
time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of
it.
Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,”
said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jay never went back. Some
time later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He
told me to cut the legs off the bed.”
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot
in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the
bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was
I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table
having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope
I never get that forgetful, knock on wood..' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at
the door.' 911 CALL! An elderly Floridian
called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as
she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the
stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher
said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later,
the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
Don't Mess with Old People!!! The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and
summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with
his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time
employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that
believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you
a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a
bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa
says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'
Now the auditor
can tell that Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites
his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand , with Grandpa's attorney
as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and
never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make
the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the
auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for
an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that
you'd be happy about it!' DOES A POLITICIAN CHOOSE HEAVEN OR HELL WHEN HE MEETS ST PETER AT THE PEARLY GATES? CLICK HERE A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,
'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think
you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Larry
watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself
beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry!
What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin
board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of
a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked, "Why didn't
you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his
father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have
to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy
wants to buy Mom ...'
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